Ten Signs Your Pastor Is A Zombie, and It’s a Good Thing Too!

The pastor/artist David Hayward posted this as a funny satire on the pastoral life and those who live it.  I would suggest that there is more than humor here, though there certainly is that!  Hayward’s’ description of a “Zombie Pastor” may have more truth in 
 it than he intends or realizes.  Indeed, I make bold to claim his picture and description are an accurate “Pastor Wanted” description in both sense of “wanted” as desired and as a law/rule breaker who “normal” society has to get off its streets!

Zombie Pastor (hereafter ZP)

1.    keeps talking about eating someone’s body and drinking his blood.

ZP’s regularly invite you to Christ’s table to ingest and imbibe his life as your only necessary sustenance. (And by “regularly” I mean at least weekly.)

2.    says things like “though I am dead yet do I live.”

ZP’s know the reality of the Apostle Paul seriously confession:  “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. And the life that I now live in my body, I live by faith, indeed, by the faithfulness of God’s Son, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

3.    has a seething anger.

ZP’s “hunger and thirst” for God’s world to be set right and that passion drives them to oppose the forces and people who hinder such “right-setting.” (Matthew 5:6; Mark 1:41 CEB)

4.    looks human but doesn’t seem fully conscious.

ZP’s see things from God’s perspective (which makes them seem “a half a bubble off plumb” to “normal” folk).  “With eyes wide open to the mercies of God, I beg you, my brothers, as an act of intelligent worship, to give him your bodies, as a living sacrifice, consecrated to him and acceptable by him. Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God re-mould your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity.” (Romans 12:1-2, J. B. Philips New Testament)

5.    is heartless.

ZP’s “hate” mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, indeed the whole world, for sake of following Christ (which is ultimately for the love and sake of everyone else).  “Whoever comes to me and doesn’t hate father and mother, spouse and children, and brothers and sisters—yes, even one’s own life—cannot be my disciple.”  (Luke 14:26)

6.    just won’t stop.

If you think the Energizer Bunny keeps on going, check out your ZP:  “I work hard and struggle for this goal with his energy, which works in me powerfully” (Colossians 1:29) and “But even if I am poured out like a drink offering upon the altar of service for your faith, I am glad” (Philippians 2:17).

7.    is determined to make you just like them.

ZP’s, having died with Christ and been raised to new life in him, want you to experience just what they have and become like them in the single-minded, whole-hearted service to Christ. “Remember your leaders who spoke God’s word to you. Imitate their faith as you consider the way their lives turned out.”  (Hebrews 13:7)

8.    wants your brain.

ZP’s share Paul’s conviction:  “The goal I pursue is the prize of God’s upward call in Christ Jesus. So all of us who are spiritually mature should think this way, and if anyone thinks differently, God will reveal it to him or her. Only let’s live in a way that is consistent with whatever level we have reached.” (Philippians 3:14-16) 

9.    mumbles the same things over and over again.

ZP’s know the value of repetition: “So then, my brothers and sisters, be glad in the Lord. It’s no trouble for me to repeat the same things to you because they will help keep you on track.” (Philippians 3:1) and the necessity of internalizing the gospel through meditating (repeating under one’s breath) God’s Word:  “Instead of doing those things, these persons love the Lord’s Instruction, and they recite God’s Instruction day and night!”

10.  makes you want to run.

Living a Jesus-like life will produce Jesus-like results:  some will respond but many will run the other way and reject us.