20 things Jesus never said

Witness to Grace

Observations on the life of faith from a candidate for the Office of Teaching Elder in the Presbyterian Church (USA)

April 4, 2012
1. Do you see that water over there? I’m about to turn it into grape juice.
2. Upon this rock I will build my megachurch.
3. Call me. I can help your team win.
4. I’m not concerned about the very poor.
5. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.
6. Two words: Culture war!
7. I’m worried about who will wind up as the next emperor of Rome. I think I’ll start a political action committee.
8. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
9. The greatest among you shall be the ones who have accumulated the most stuff by the time you die.
10. Sabbath, Shmabbath! Forget about it!
11. You’ll never see or hear from me again.
12. Whenever you eat these soda crackers and drink these tiny glasses of grape juice, you proclaim my death until I come again.
13. Did you bring your Bible tonight?
14. Do this in remembrance of me on the first Sunday of every month.
15. Sing the first, second and last verses.
16. Those who are the most religious among you have got it made in the shade.
17. The praise team’s new album is available in the gift shop.
18. Gay is not OK.
19. Follow me, and I will bring you fame and fortune.
20. Happy Easter!


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