A Lost Chapter from Herodotus Concerning the Super Bowl
by Kaitlyn Landgraf 2 . 5 . 16
And in the distant empire of Usa there is a strange custom that takes place once per year among the barbarians of that land, which occurs in the following manner. It is a winter festival to the god of Foo Tball, as the inhabitants of that land call him. Throughout the year, the strongest and most savage warriors in each region of that empire assemble in small armies, don padded armor, and fight each other in vast temples which are larger than temples erected to any other god in that nation, and the greatest warriors in the land become the honored attendants to the Foo Tball idol for one year.
These warriors possess great strength, which is due to the patronage of the powerful goddess Anabolic Roid, and under her influence they enter into frenzies of madness, abusing and even sometimes murdering their wives and their friends, yet this is permitted in order for the army to prevail as the Foo Tball attendants. This comes, I think, from the provincial belief in that region that these warriors are themselves gods.